The.Secret.Of NineInchNails is the sound of the police :)

About NineInchNails

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making
them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic
slurs for Kenyan refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I
woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can
pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook
Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco,
a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I had trials with Manchester
United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I
build large suspension bridges in my garden. I enjoy urban hang
gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances
free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail. I have appeared on Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque.
Last summer I toured Eastern Europe with a traveling
centrifugal-force demonstration. I run the 100m in 9.65 secs. My deft
floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield
in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that
evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA.
I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on
vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not
apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it
down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only some
vegtables and a Breville Toaster. I breed prizewinning clams. I have
won bullfights in Madrid, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and
chess competitions at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have
performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to University.

© 1998 - 2021 J. Patterson.